Thursday, May 8, 2014

Hospice

Two weeks ago we got news that abruptly ended the quest for answers to Dan's mystery symptoms.  We got a phone call that we'd dreaded for 18 months since the transplant.  We heard for the fourth time in five years that Dan's leukemia was back.  This time, however, there was no treatment, no transplant, no trial that Dan could tolerate.  We checked him out of rehab and brought him home to begin his hospice journey.     

On Monday, we had a safe trip to my parents' house in PA and enjoyed a rare and awesome grouping in the car - Dan, me, my brother, Colin, and Dan's college friend, Luke.  It was an emotional 2 hours of reminiscing, laughing, crying, listening to Bruce, stopping at McDonald's for 4 piece nuggets, 7eleven for Slurpies, and feeling the sun through the windows.  My family was busy converting the dining room into a bedroom for Dan and it looked beautiful by the time we arrived.  The hospital bed is so much more comfortable and easy to move Dan in so it was a welcomed change.  The windows bring in lots of light and the birds chirp outside the windows.  The room is filling up with flowers so their soft fragrance fills the air.  It is the perfect space. 

peace
We met with the new hospice team here and have been so impressed by their gentleness, kindness, and sensitivity in dealing with the most difficult questions/topics.  Dan and I signed up for massages and we are looking forward to a harpist coming to the house to play some music.  We've met with our nurse and social worker who have answered many of our questions.  A nurse's aid will come by a few times a week to help Dan bathe and help us care for him.  Hospice has been wonderful.

Two weeks ago, our doctor told us that this disease would likely grow quickly and progress in 2-4 weeks.  Dan is more tired than 2 weeks ago and definitely weaker, but he is still smiling, still socializing, still eating and drinking and lighting up the room.  We are so grateful for this time that he is awake, alert and asking for visitors.  He is scared, but is not letting fear consume him.  We are taking each day as it comes and making the most of the time we have left.  Fortunately, we have been talking about death and its possibility for years now so some of these conversations haven't been new to us.  We certainly are not "prepared" because I cannot even imagine life without Dan, but we are coping with the news in a way that allows us to face reality while living in the surreal state that is love, laughter, and joy surrounded by family and friends.  Nothing is normal anymore and we know that. 

The last two weeks have been a celebration of Dan's life.  We have received countless emails, texts, cards and letters reaching out to share memories, send love, and express gratitude for Dan's friendship.  I have no doubt that he is one of the most special people ever to walk this earth. We haven't had a chance to reach out to everyone individually, so I will say a collective "thank you" on here for all of your words.  "Thank you" for making us smile, for stirring up fond memories, for filling our house with food and flowers, and for showing us what it means to be loved.  We are forever grateful.  

I'm sitting next to Dan as he rests peacefully - the breeze through the windows, soft music filling the room.  I haven't opened the doors yet to the hustle and bustle of people and I'm sipping on some coffee in my pajamas.  In this moment, we are not afraid.  In this moment, ALL is well.  

A corner of Dan's room with a picture from a happy day


16 comments:

  1. Inspired by your journey. So glad you are surrounded by so much beauty and love. Proof that God is with you always.

    ReplyDelete
  2. God Bless Danny and the Lavanga family. I will continue to pray for you all.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hanna, through a strange twist of fate a friend sent me this blog today and I realized that I knew Dan's dad when I worked at Appalachian Brewing Company years ago. Mr. Lyons, as we called him, was one of everyone's favorites and he shared many stories about Dan. We followed Dan's journey through Mr. Lyons, who rarely spoke about his own fight. He was over the moon when you and Dan got married. He was a great man and I can only assume that his son is an even better one, having learned from Mr. Lyons. You and your families are in my heart as you celebrate two amazing souls that we all feel so lucky to know.

    ReplyDelete
  4. We continue to pray. Thank you for inspiring us!

    ReplyDelete
  5. May you always feel the love of Christ as he prepares a place for Dan.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you for being an inspiration with your love and faith.. I know of Dan through Jim Lyons. I feel very fortunate to be blessed by your courage.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank You for sharing this journey, Dan now is in a beautiful waiting room to heaven. Fear not, All will be well.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This reminds me to be grateful for everything - both the good and the bad. Thank you for sharing the journey you and Dan have been on.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dan and Hannah, I am very far removed from your immediate support, but I feel compelled to write to you. Hannah, I've never met you in person but I know I'd love you. I am Dave Woody's sister, Ellen. I've had the privilege of meeting Dan a few times but never getting to know him the way I know others feel lucky to have. You are by far the two most amazing people in this world. You are an example of faith, devotion, courage, grace, stamina, honesty, strength, fortitude, and true love. I want you both to know I have been praying for Dan for years but most especially recently. I have been reading this blog nonstop to grasp your journey from its start and I have to tell you it is the most inspirational story I have ever read. The two of you truly have much to offer the world with this piece of literature and I think it should be published for all to see. I am still praying for a miracle (they happen every day, you know). But whatever God's will, I pray that He will send angels to comfort Dan and give him peace and understanding. Hannah, I pray also for you to continue to be as strong as I think any wife has ever had to be, you are an inspiration. "In sickness and in health" has a whole different meaning for you. I will be praying every day and I hold your hands from Washington Crossing, Pennsylvania! God Bless and comfort you both!! Because the two of you have spent time here on Earth, all will be well!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dan and you have touched so many lives. The courage, strength, love, and hope that bind you together. You both are an inspiration to us all and a blessing to know. God placed you to together as you both lean on to each others strength. Prayers and love sent your way.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hanna, you and Dan are in our thoughts and prayers every day. Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking, but ever-inspiring, updates with those of us who have such love and fondness for Dan, but aren't there to tell you both in person how much your love story, strength, and serenity through this difficult time has touched so many lives. Sending much love and continued strength to you both. Love, Lisa and Matt Pavone

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thanks for sharing this Hanna. I am glad you both have a good place to be and are surrounded by love. I wish I truly could send mine to you somehow. But here it is electronically! Love, Leah Ramsay

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm always in awe of your way with words, Hanna, and your ability to see peace and perspective in a difficult time. Thanks again for sharing your inspiring but heartbreaking journey with us. You said it best: We can't imagine a life without Dan, but we have no doubt that he is one of the most special men to have walked this earth. Love and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  14. May God Bless you and your family. My prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Praying daily for you, Dan and Hanna. You continue to touch my life deeply, though from afar. Thank you for sharing your lives with so many. It is truly a gift to journey with you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Are you sitting comfortably? There are many factors which influenced the development of jefferson hospice. Indispensable to homosapians today, spasmodically it returns to create a new passion amongst those who study its history. The juxtapositioning of jefferson hospice with fundamental economic, social and political strategic conflict draws criticism from those most reliant on technology, who are likely to form a major stronghold in the inevitable battle for hearts and minds.

    ReplyDelete