It was not the words that I wanted to hear from Dr. Claxton, "I am a little concerned about the results." The last biopsy found residual signs of leukemia and a remaining 12% in my marrow (they were hoping that it would be under 5%). So that means that I could not move on to the second course of the clinical trial. Instead I will be going on with an extended portion of the first course. So it will be two more weeks of similar treatment to what I have been getting.
It really upset me because I feel as though it is something that I have no control over. I have held up my end of the bargain over the last month but the marrow inside of me was unable to do the same. Dr. Claxton also had some concerns about some of the chromosomoes within the marrow.
So it was a down day. The worst is the feeling of helplessness. It is just a matter of if the leukemia is being cleared out or not and, up to this point, it has cleared out alot but it could have been better. Today was the first day in a long time with alot of tears, but I was able to share them with my mom, hanna, colin, and evan......which helped more than they know.
Tomorrow I will go back for more chemo and start the drugs of the first course over again. This will last for two weeks, followed by another biopsy and more tests that will hopefully show the leukemia in full remission, less than 5%
I'm gonna keep doing my part and fighting hard and staying positive, but it was hard today and really scary to know the treatment hasn't fully cooperated. It brought back the fear from the original diagnosis.
Cancer is an unknown beast and a faceless evil. Its so hard to think about it being in my body. I'll do everything I can to get it out of me but I just hope and pray that it and the drugs do their part now too.
I know that I will wake up tomorrow ready to take on the chemo and positive about knocking this out of me. Today was just a tough pill to swallow.
but still.....ALLwill be well
I'm sticking with this quote for now:
“Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence." -- Pope John Paul II