It was not the words that I wanted to hear from Dr. Claxton, "I am a little concerned about the results." The last biopsy found residual signs of leukemia and a remaining 12% in my marrow (they were hoping that it would be under 5%). So that means that I could not move on to the second course of the clinical trial. Instead I will be going on with an extended portion of the first course. So it will be two more weeks of similar treatment to what I have been getting.
It really upset me because I feel as though it is something that I have no control over. I have held up my end of the bargain over the last month but the marrow inside of me was unable to do the same. Dr. Claxton also had some concerns about some of the chromosomoes within the marrow.
So it was a down day. The worst is the feeling of helplessness. It is just a matter of if the leukemia is being cleared out or not and, up to this point, it has cleared out alot but it could have been better. Today was the first day in a long time with alot of tears, but I was able to share them with my mom, hanna, colin, and evan......which helped more than they know.
Tomorrow I will go back for more chemo and start the drugs of the first course over again. This will last for two weeks, followed by another biopsy and more tests that will hopefully show the leukemia in full remission, less than 5%
I'm gonna keep doing my part and fighting hard and staying positive, but it was hard today and really scary to know the treatment hasn't fully cooperated. It brought back the fear from the original diagnosis.
Cancer is an unknown beast and a faceless evil. Its so hard to think about it being in my body. I'll do everything I can to get it out of me but I just hope and pray that it and the drugs do their part now too.
I know that I will wake up tomorrow ready to take on the chemo and positive about knocking this out of me. Today was just a tough pill to swallow.
but still.....ALLwill be well
I'm sticking with this quote for now:
“Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence." -- Pope John Paul II
Danny,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about the disappointment today. I cannot feel the way you do but I can only imagine the letdown. However, I believe 100% that you will beat this. You remain so positive and that is what you need to do - we love you so much. Keep plugging away Buddy - we're looking forward to seeing you tomorrow!!! Love, Aunt Ann Ham
Dan,
ReplyDeleteI would just like to leave you with this bible verse to help you with how you feel scared.
Psalm 23:1-4
The Lord is my shepard,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul.
He guides me in the path of righteousness
for his names sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
thy rod and thy staff give me courage.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil,
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Love,
Trevor
p.s. Livestrong
Hi Dan! Katie just forwarded your blog to me. I get the feeling of helplessness- it is completely normal for you to have moments like that! Just keep doing what you're doing. Stay mentally strong, and lean on family and friends. And somedays you just need to cry a little and say "cancer sucks." I actually wear that pin on my id badge everyday :) I love you and am wishing you all the best! xoxo Mary Ellen
ReplyDeleteI cannot possibly begin to imagine how yesterday's news must have felt to you Dan. This battle you are in the midst of is the most difficult fight anyone can lead. I was disappointed to learn of this setback, but that's all it is, a minor setback. I hope and pray that you woke up this morning feeling positive, and ready for the next couple of weeks. I wish I could be there in Harrisburg to help support you in person, but know that my thoughts and prayers are with you (and Big Dan).
ReplyDeleteWarren
Hi Danny,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about your setback! I have faith in the fight. I mean after all those years of being a loyal ND fan I know you have all kinds of fighting irish in you. A good friend told me once, if we didn't have bad times we wouldn't know how good the good times really were. At the time I didn't exactly want to hear it but looking back they were very right. I know you'll get through this just keep up those positive thoughts. I never was one for serious quotes so in the words of Dori "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..." and sneak in a disney movie when you can they do the body good :) Bri
Come on!!!!! What is this little setback for you? It is a little stone on your way that you will have to step in and smash it ;) And I am sure you will make it and the bad guys will be gone next time.
ReplyDeleteTake care and tons of hugs from the island :)
Maite
Danny, Keep fighting! It was a rough day, but ALL WILL BE WELL! We remain positive and completely confident that the drugs will do their job.
ReplyDeleteWish we were there to hug you.
Erika & Jason
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteI know I haven't spoken to you since CUA (and then only in passing here and there), but I heard through the grapevine about what's going on with you, and I wanted to wish you well in your fight. Hope that's not at all weird! I will be praying for you. :-)
Jen Howes
Dan,
ReplyDeleteOona, Zane and I are with Sasha and Mark in CT but we all want to be there for you. Zane waved to you and said "hi guy". Oona says it is his catch phrase. I say he was saying hi to you. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Tim